My emotional day

Pernah tak korang rasa like you just dont care anymore about others, about working life korang and you just wanna be where you are now and just not thinking about any of it except for yourself?

Today is my day. 

Tak tau kenapa sangat emosi hari ni. The thing is, I feel so responsible dengan my work at the office and at the same time I just feel like I dont give a damn at all. Complicated? Yeah, I thought so too. I want to be a person with good reputation dengan my work. I mean good record and all. Nak give my very best. Tell me how I can be that person if I cant even feel happy coming to work?

My company is not such a big company pun, but quite well known in construction line. Overall, I like being there. Ape nih kejab suka kejab tak, confusing lah. Yeap, me also confuse dengan myself. I like the overall about the company I just dont like my department.

I was with the company's subsidiary before then got transferred to HQ. Lucky me, the benefits are better. I really appreciates it but things started to go sour from day to day. Tak boleh balik on time because orang lain semua balik at least 7pm everyday, i was told that the workload are heavy so they usually go home late than the working hours. Bukan saya tak mau balik lambat, tapi i have live to live. Tolong lah, It has been 8 hours dah dedicate time i untuk work, cant I just go home when the time comes and spend it with my love ones? 

Tak boleh main internet during kerja, fine! I open my email during lunch hour. Tak boleh selalu texting, tak boleh nak sembang sangat, buat kerja kena committed, buat kerja kena focus, buat kerja kena efficient, cepat. I have tried my best but it doesnt seems enough. Ada je yang salah, ada je yang nak kena point out during meeting. Sometimes I look back at myself, betul ke I always like that? Betul ke Im not efficient enough? Betul ke? At 1 time, i just dont give a damn anymore. I feel so tired trying to be like they want me to be. Good employee, efficient employee, balik lambat employee. I just cant take it anymore. 

I have no friend there, I mean in my department..I have no friend. I dont trust any of them because everyone doesnt look like they can be trusted. I have tried befriended with them but they are at my moms age! I donno what topic to talk, I dont like asking them about their kids, about their lives or anything that is related at their age. Im a mother-to-be, excited to have a new person in lives, excited to have new experience where they already been thru all that phase. Sometimes you get it from your mom the phrase like ' alaa, biasalah tu budak..tak yah manja kan sangat' or something yang cliche emak-emak selalu cakap tu. It just kill your mood. Having someone like you or your age will be much better kan? You can share your experience. Well sometimes you just want someone to talk to, share the excitement and when you need an advice, Im sure you'll turn to your mom jugak tapi bila you have like 3 or 4 like your mom kat office tu, tak ke tension? 

I'm not saying that these senior shouldnt be working anymore, it's just that 'arrgghhh..dont turn me into 35yo person when Im still at my 20's'..Do you get what i mean? Ahh~ sungguh complicated. Life is complicated. Entah lah~ sometimes I feel like I'm the one with problems not them. Konon not blaming sape-sape. I guess if you cant join them, just get the hell out of there. Imma do it after the confinement. I just cant take it anymore. Everyday it drain my positivity out of me. Penat..Penat absorb everything. My head sometimes feels like want to explode!